


Someone Else I've Got to Be

by Jenni_Snake



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Other, Queer Themes, Trans, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:45:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenni_Snake/pseuds/Jenni_Snake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With their group of friends as diverse as it is, Raj's revelation shouldn't come as such a surprise, especially to his best friend, Howard. The last thing either of them would have expected was it destroying their friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone Else I've Got to Be

Everything was normal in the queerest living room in Pasadena: Sheldon was sitting stoically, unperturbed by Amy’s affectionate closeness or her increasingly hungry stares at Penny; Leonard, nearly in Penny’s lap as they shared the love seat, was still grinning idiotically as he noted for the fifth time in as many days that, yes, straight was also a sexual orientation; Bernadette sat thigh to thigh with Raj’s one-time date Lakshmi, now her steady girlfriend; Howard, also out and ostensibly proud since he broke up with Bernadette, had easily slept his way through half the male population of the city, or so it seemed. So, despite the nervousness in his voice, nobody even stopped eating when Raj made his announcement.

Penny leaned over and embraced Raj, saying something trite about everything making sense now; Sheldon rolled his eyes; Amy inappropriately expressed her interest as a neurologist: everyone made their own commotion in their own way. Only Howard, a dumpling pierced on the end of a chopstick, sat with his mouth hanging open. He felt his heart clench when Raj declared that it had been a hard decision, but he wanted to have his friends behind him in his journey to become who he really was, how he really felt himself to be, and that he’d rather be referred to as she and would like it if everyone could refer to him as Vidhi, a name that, as the Goddess of Destiny, seemed more than appropriate in this situation.

Howard put his dumpling back down on his tray and placed it on the coffee table. He was shaking, sweating, his heart palpitating. None of this was right. He scrambled to his feet, made some incoherent excuse and stumbled from the apartment.

Even alone on the roof it was too crowded, he couldn’t breathe. He held on tightly to the ledge, sucking in the cooling evening air. It was tempting to bang his head against the brick to try to shake out all the stupid thoughts that he’d been so close to vomiting out at Raj in front of everyone: are you sure? what if you change your mind? don’t you realize how hard this is going to be? His face burned red with shame for even thinking them. He wanted to hyperventilate long enough to pass out.

It shocked him when he felt a hand on his shoulder, but not as much as when he saw it was Raj, and didn’t know if it was better to jump off the roof or just melt into it.

“What was that all about?” Raj bristled.

Howard felt his pulse pounding in his head, but couldn’t say anything.

Raj pleaded with him, teeth clenched: “Don’t do this to me, Howard. Say something.”

The breaths Howard took didn’t help him, and he wanted to be angry because Raj was angry.

“Are you sure it’s not just a phase,” he said in spite of himself.

Biting back tears, Raj whispered, “I hate you so much right now.”

“I’m sorry, Raj, Vita, whatever - I, I don’t know - sorry,” Howard said, slouching against the wall.

“No,” Raj shot at him, “I’m sorry - sorry I ever knew you. I thought that after everything this wouldn’t be the hard part, that it wasn’t going to be a problem to come out to my friends - that after psychologists asked me the stupidest, most stereotypical questions about whether I played with dolls when I was a kid, or - or did I ever play dress up and wear makeup and heels and skirts, and do I know what my ‘real’ name is, as if that has anything to do with this... I don’t want to change my damn name! I know who I am, why do I have to prove it?!”

Spent, Raj took a breath and continued quietly:

“And then I have to go and prove it again and again...”

“But it’s a big decision...” Howard said, looking right at Raj, no longer aware who was in control of his own brain, sure it wasn’t himself. And it wasn’t even the anger in Raj’s eyes that was as hard to see as the hurt.

“Fuck you, Howard,” Raj said, not calm but exhausted. “It seems to be a big decision for everyone else, but you know who it’s not a big decision for? For me - I’m just me, and no one seems to see that. And you know what? This was the only thing I never expected. I thought it was everyone else who might have a problem with this, but I thought: thank God because at least I have Howard - at least I have one person who won’t judge me and won’t say anything except that he supported me one-hundred-percent instead of being just another jerk who makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

“And it sounds so ungrateful to everyone else who is down in that apartment and has my back, but I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks - all I’ve ever cared about is what you think. And now I feel so alone - like I have no one at all.”

Howard stared at Raj whose arms were crossed over layer upon layer of shirt, sweater vest and windbreaker. Just when Howard had gotten to the point where he was comfortable admitting to himself, not just everyone else, that he really was more comfortable with men... or that maybe that wasn’t it at all: maybe he was just most comfortable with his best friend and he just wanted it to make sense in a way that anybody could understand, in a way that he could explain to them not just to himself...

Just as Raj turned his back on him, probably forever, Howard yelled:

“What’s wrong with you?”

There was no more fight left in Raj.

“Why are you doing this to me, Howard?”

“Ask me,” Howard tried again, voice hoarse.

“What?”

“Ask me - not you, me.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Raj asked.

“I don’t know. I didn’t mean anything I said.” His eyes were welling with tears as he stepped back into his own skin and cringed, “I - I don’t know why I said it. I think I wanted you to hate me and to just turn around and leave."

Raj shrank in pain.

"Is that really what you want?"

"I think it would be easier."

After a cold moment, Raj decided to give it one last try.

"Easier than what?"

"Than admitting how much I love you and how much I want to be with you."

The words floated up and hung in the air, needing time to try to push away everything else and sink in. The silence was all that was left and Raj wasn’t taking it away. Howard took a deep breath.

“But I feel - I, it... What I feel doesn’t make any sense.”

He reached out for Raj’s hand, but Raj didn’t move. Howard forced out his last fear.

“I was just afraid that... I - I just didn’t know what I’d do if you didn’t want me.”

“You idiot,” Raj said, taking Howard’s hand tentatively by the fingers, bridging the gap between them, “I don’t want anyone else.”

The ash clouds above them ignited pink as they stretched to the setting sun. For the time being, hand in hand would be as close to each other as they could get.

***


End file.
